A Thin Line
by butterfly10
Summary: Just a short one-shot insight on somebody's feelings towards herself and a certain pigtailed martial artist...


Just a short page from Akane's hidden diary. A moment of reflection, of angst and depression and feelings. If you've had a bad day, it might not be the thing you want to read right now… 

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A THIN LINE 

Sometimes I wish it was easier. Letting go, relaxing, just enjoying life for a while. Not having to worry about other people's opinions about my femininity, about my skills, about everything I am and do. 

Not that I don't know that their opinion doesn't count. But somehow I always hope that if I convince them, I'll be able to convince myself. 

I know that there have been boys – heck, there still **are** – that would gladly share their lives with me. And there are girls that envy me for what I have and what I can do. 

I don't care about that. I know what I'm worth – and it's little, or at least it's not enough. I'm stubborn, proud, lazy at times, I bluff about many things, starting with my self-esteem. Others may think I'm happy with myself. Well, I'm not. 

The only person who really understands me in his own way is Ranma. My _dear_ fiancé. All the taunts, the insults, the harsh words. He always knows which my weak spots are. How does he do it? He hits the nail on the head every time, not missing one chance to let me know he knows how I feel.

He says I'm a tomboy, and I bash him, and we both know my fear: I don't want to be a tomboy, I want to be like Kasumi, or Nabiki – so self-confident, each in her own way.

He says I'm uncute. And I wish I was like Ukyo, with that cute smile and puppy eyes.

He says I'm unsexy. God, how I'd love to be like Shampoo! 

I could go on endlessly: my cooking, my martial arts, my figure, my sewing, my knitting… Oh yes, he definitely knows them all.

That is why I hate him.

At times this hate runs so deep I could crush a mountain with the energy it gives me. So I bash him. Thank God he is so tough, otherwise I'd be a murderer by now.

Of course I feel guilty, afterwards. I mean, seeing him smashed on a wall like a pancake doesn't make me feel good. I know that for the umpteenth time I've proven him right: I'm a violent tomboy. And I hate myself.

But then he comes and apologises for whatever he had said or done to make my anger awaken. Sometimes I just know he hasn't got a clue as to what had really mad me mad. And yet he feels like apologising to me. With clumsy words, hand on his pigtail, eyes on the floor, quiet, husky voice, afraid he'll say the wrong thing again. 

That is when I pity him.

And I forgive him, of course. But I don't forgive myself. For letting him in so easily, for allowing him to take a huge place in my life. For giving him so much power. For making him judge of all my doings. For everything he is to me. For not knowing how to deal with him and with my feelings for him.

He has been raised to hide his feelings and he has been trained to be observant. Which means I'm never sure of what he thinks, while he notices my every move, even my every thought.

Then again he hasn't had much contact with the opposite sex, so he might not be able to interpret what he notices. Otherwise how could I explain his behaviour around Ukyo, Shampoo, or even myself? He sees that Ukyo is a friend, but fails to see she wants more than that. He knows Shampoo is dangerous but he doesn't see all the ways in which she really is dangerous.

He treats Ryoga like a friend one minute, the next time he is fighting him for life. I'll never understand that one.

And then there's me. He sees all the stupid things I try to do for him, he knows I do them because of him – he **has **to know that – and yet he reacts in the worst possible way, getting himself bashed with my mallet or any other object that is available.

Then he comes to me, he rescues me, he looks at me in that certain way and he blushes if we happen to be a little closer than usually. He defends me against anybody or anything, knowing that I won't be grateful about it… He always comes to me. Even when I don't deserve it.

That is why I love him. 

That is why I care so much about his opinion, about the opinion of the other girls. They might convince him of how inappropriate I am. He might believe them. He might really mean all those words he says. He might just decide that none of us is what he wants and just go on another ten year training trip and I might never see him again.

So I always forgive him, and he always comes back to me and he looks at me and for a moment I see behind his control mask and there's something there, some feelings… for me. I hang on to that moment. I live for that moment. 

And I love him. So much that I hate him at times. It's a thin line, and he makes me cross it this way or that way at any moment. Without even being aware of it, consciously. I fear the day he becomes aware of his power. How much of myself have I given him already? How much more will he claim? For just a few moments on the right side of that line, I know I'll gladly give it all.

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I was feeling depressed when I wrote this – does it show? I hope you liked it anyway. Please let me know what you think. Thank you!


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